Fred Händl

Fred Händl biography - by Andrew Greenaway - found in the liner notes from the album The Poodle Magic Pig Type - 2018 OL’ YELLOW EYES IS BACK! Contrary to popular belief, Fred Händl (real name: Dennis van de Vaart) was born in Wedlock, a small fishing village in the province of Friesland, the Netherlands, on May 9th, 1970 – the same day as Ghostface Killah. His parents agreed never to speak to him in their native tongue; instead inventing a new language they called Womblish. The van de Vaart’s were initially pilloried for this odd choice, and it did lead to some minor learning difficulties for the young Fred. However, he managed to overcome this by the power of Grayskull and hopje, and finished his schooling popular and obese. He soon embarked on a career in music, initially playing the alphorn in new wave band The Dingleberries. Following the group’s acrimonious split after an innocent game of cribbage ended in genocide, he moved to England and took up the celeste. It was while living in Vange that he changed his name (possibly inspired by a steady diet of gruel, cinnamon Mentos, sodium bicarbonate and Quorn Crispy Nuggets): Fred, after the Benny Hill character, Fred Scuttle; and Handle, after his favourite pastime (he later changed the spelling to appear more learned). While living in the UK, he worked as a maverick carpenter and took night classes in home embalming and fluffing. Music took a bit of a backseat until one day he stumbled upon Indian harmonium player R. K. Bijapure in an alleyway near London’s Adelphi Theatre. He became Bijapure’s roadie for a 1992 tour of Europe supporting Inspiral Carpets. It was while on tour that Fred befriended Clint Boon, and the pair would together compose piano duets, ingest monkey dust and fight swans. When later asked about Fred in an interview with Terry Christian for BBC Radio Manchester, Boon famously joked, “Who?”! By now, Fred was an accomplished organist who harboured hopes of making it very big. When American Gospel music group The Winans played the Tyrrells Hall Working Men's Club in Grays, his chance arrived (their regular organist had discovered Polari and run away to the Circus), and he became a part-time member of the combo – appearing uncredited on their 1995 album, Heart & Soul. Now with cutter in his carman, Fred moved back to the Netherlands and set up his own bijou recording studio in Eindhoven, naming it K'unt Geel Hipopó (possibly Womblish for something merzky – he won’t say). After years of recording insufferable dick-splashes and arse-hats, he decided to record himself and his droogs interpreting the music of the late American composer, Frank Zappa. He may or may not have recorded other stuff and played with some bona musicians, but who cares? The warbles you now physically hold (or not) in your sweaty little rookers is all that matters. As the young Dennis van de Vaart might have said, “Take a look at the radio, shit soundin' shady, yo. Everything I'm hearin' is weak. We got them long biscuits, long clip shit. Run for the hills and re-charge your shit.”